Bum ‘em all: War clouds over South Asia

[Devil Soul]

Bum ‘em all: War clouds over South Asia
NADEEM F. PARACHA — UPDATED ABOUT AN HOUR AGO
War clouds are hovering over Hindustan — a vast empire which includes all of the subcontinent, including the Maldives, parts of Seychelles and some residential areas of Mauritius. Its brave youth are being called from all over the globe.

The problem is a troublesome region which broke away in 1947 and has been calling itself Pakistan.

Pakistan has been enjoying a rogue existence, initially due to a conspiracy hatched by British colonialists and their agents, Muhammad Ali Jinnah and Dilip Kumar.

But soon, the British were made to realise their folly by the charms of one of Hindustan’s greatest spiritual figureheads whose name one cannot speak without first feeding 102 cows.

But America stepped in and began using Pakistan to threaten Hindustan’s erstwhile ally, the Catholic Soviet Union, whom the Americans accused of being communist.

When the one whose name one cannot speak without first feeding 102 cows also won over the misguided Americans, the atheistic Chinese stepped in to make sure that Pakistan continued to exist.

In 2015, a regime led by a charismatic crusader whose name cannot be spoken without lynching at least 12 beef-eaters, began to turn Hindustan into a power with hundreds of nuclear bums. The evidence of this is all over the social media.

However, due to the slippery schemes (and low-priced cell phones) of the atheistic Chinese, Pakistan also managed to produce a couple of nuclear bums of its own.

 

[Devil Soul]

Pakistan’s bums are not as powerful as those of Hindustan, but as the great Indian philosopher, yogi, nuclear physicist and chef, Anupam Kher once deeply mused on the famous current affairs show Koffee with Karan …

However, if the gallant folks of Hindustan are willing to suspend their muscle-flexing, lynching and item numbers for a week or two, and tolerate some radioactive fall-out and acid rains next monsoon, then they will be able to wipe out Pakistan for good.

Hindustan will be well within its right (if not senses) to strike first with its bums in a preemptive strike against terrorist Pakistan.

But according to respected military strategist, Shatrughan Sinha, it would be even better if the Pakistanis fired their weak bums first. Sinha is banking on men with thick facial hair and walnut heads to steal the Pakistani bums and fire it for them.

Indeed, those who crossover from Pakistan and enter Kashmir to massacre thousands and thousands and thousands of Hindustani people also have thick facial hair and walnut heads; but there’s a slight difference between these and them. As Anupam jee once mused …

Writing for famous current affairs journal, Bollywood Masala, Caucasian political expert Felecia Corricifissa has given two reasons why the US might be more inclined towards supporting Hindustan’s position.

Firstly, the US can empathise and relate to Anupam’s multifaceted These-Them thesis because, for example, the US is warring against men with thick facial hair and walnut heads in Afghanistan (the them) but backing men in Syria who have equally thick facial hair and walnut heads (the these) …

And secondly, more coke bottles are sold in Hindustan than in Pakistan.

Pakistan believes that Kashmir should go rouge as well. But the truth is that 99.99.99 per cent of Kashmiris want to reside jovial in ann-gel Hindustan mankind.

 

[Devil Soul]

The trouble in Kashmir is being caused by only a handful of teens armed and funded by Pakistan.

But when the peaceful Hindustan security forces blind these teens with pellets, Pakistan throws up its arms and calls it a massacre.

Do they think that the world doesn’t know what Pakistan is doing in Balochistan, Afghanistan, Tajikistan and Uzbekistan?

And what about the Pakistani spy pigeon which Hindustan captured last year?

The pigeon is reported to have told his captors, ‘Ghutarghoon, ghutarghoon, ghutterghoon.’ So there. Now what more evidence is required for the world to understand Hindustan’s restive urge to unleash its bums over Pakistan?

Nadeem F. Paracha is a cultural critic and senior columnist for Dawn Newspaper and Dawn.com. He has also authored a book on the social history of Pakistan called, End of the Past.

He tweets @NadeemfParacha



The views expressed by this writer and commenters below do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of the Dawn Media Group.

 

[coffee_cup]

Nadeem Charsi Paratha, sometimes does write giggling comments on photos.