Armed forces Jokes

[waraich66]

The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited.

As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself.

He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"

The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!"

The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man says, "I chop wood!"

"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?"

"I chop wood!"

"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!"

"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"

"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"

The young man rolls his eyes and says, "So what! I have to chop it before he can pile it!"

 

[Vassnti]

A sailor in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, ''Wanna hear a MARINE joke?''

The guy next to him replies, ''Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs, and I'm a MARINE. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2'' tall, weighs 225, and he's a MARINE. The fella next to him is 6'5'' tall, weighs 250, and he's also a MARINE. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?''

The sailor says, ''Nah, I don't want to have to explain it three times.''

 

[Chogy]

Not a joke, more of a funny incident... This actually happened.

U.S. Marines are known to project a MANLY-MAN tough guy image. We had one in our USAF fighter squadron as an exchange pilot. This is done regularly so services can share skills and lessons learned. We were deployed to West Germany during a REFORGER exercise; had some time off, so we borrowed a USAF car we called a "Blue Steelie", a generic blue sedan. Pockets full of Deutsch Marks, we hit the town for fine Pilsners and great German food. A few hours/beers later we were getting pretty rowdy, as all young men do.

Our token Marine (big, bruising guy) kept saying "Women... where are the women? Let's find some!" "Shut up, we're not chasing women." "Yes. Yes, we are. STOP!!! There's a massage parlor right there!"

Sure enough, big, blinking neon signs show a seedy "massage" joint.

Marine: "HAHA! I'm going to get some tonight. You guys chicken? Come on!"
Us: "Go for it dude, we'll sit out here and drink beer."
Marine: "Whimps!"

Marine enters the massage parlor. About 5 minutes go by. Then, the door explodes outward, and our marine is running for the car. "GO! GO! FAST!" We take off, no questions asked.

Us: "So.... what happened?"
Marine: "Shut up. Don't wanna talk about it."
Us: "Tell us what happened, or we'll kick you out and you can walk back to the base."

It took a while, but he finally told us. "It was a GAY massage parlor. A guy in a leather harness was going to give me a 'massage'!"

He never lived it down!

 

[Dalai Lama]

It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.

A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!"

The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?"

Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied "Sir, Yes Sir!".

The General continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?"

The Private didn't agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded "Sir, Yes Sir!"

The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train."

The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said "Sir, Yes Sir!"

The General continued "I got this dog for my wife."

The Private simply said "Good trade Sir!"


Aha! Jokes: Clean Humor and Funny Pictures!

 

[compak]

This is an anecdote which I read in Bubbles of Water by Admiral Mian Saheer Shah, a wonderful book to read. This book is based on Anecdotes of the Pakistan Navy can't share all so this is the smallest one for you guys.

R U Who?

During the late fifties there were to senior oficer in he navy who had identical initials Both were RU's. The first was Captain RU Bajwa the other once Commander RU Khan.
In those days telephones were real commodities in the dockyard and at Manora. One the one RU telephoned the other and it turned out to be one of the most memorable telephone conversation of the Navy.

When the telephone rang CO Hamalaya picked up the receiver and in the corret service manner identified himseld to the callerby stating his name instead of using the internationally unhelpful word Hello.

"RU Bajwa", he said.
There wa a moment's hesitation at the other end of the line, then the caller said, "No, I am not Bajwa, I want to speak to him".
"RU Bajwa here."
"Here or there, I tell you I am not Bajwa. I am RU Khan."
"Are you RU Khan?"
"Off course I am RU Khan, Who the Hell are you?"
"RU Bajwa."
"Are you deaf, hoe many times do I havae to tell you - I AM NOT BAJWA."
This went on till the inevitable - "SIR??!!"

--Based on the recollection of Rear Admiral M Osman (Retd).

 

[Last Hope]

The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"

"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.

A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up." "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward." "Not so fast, McGrath!"

 

[Last Hope]

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.

The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"

So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!

The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?"

"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!"

 

[Last Hope]

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

 

[Last Hope]

The soldier serving in Hong Kong was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, "I regret to inform you that I cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others."