of all the forums, I found this forum the best to share my story with strangers.
recently I have posted a thread http://www.defence.pk/forums/members-club/196636-i-am-having-tough-times.html in continuation of this thread i am going to reveal the reason behind 'tough times'.
I have always been attracted by rich people throughout my life. I had this double standard of running behind prosperous people and treating 'someone with low status' like sh!t during my days as college student. that may has to do with my humble family background. my friend circle comprised of rich spoilt brats and though i couldn't afford hanging out with them, i would just forcefully push my self with them. in the mean time to meet my expenses i started doing part time join as a cashier in a shop within the campus. I had pretty much good life. I had everything that a teenager would wish for except for the Girlfriend because I was a studious kid of the class. I had this passion to excel in my subject and get a high paying job and fulfill all my dreams.
I was the nerd of the class who liked hanging out with friends and I was mature enough to balance my social and academic life. but it was not long when i started feeling something for my classmate. she was there with me for last 8 months and we would just smile at each other or sometimes have a little chat. well, she was the brightest student of the class and could give any nerd run for their money. before i could realize, i started liking her. her intelligence, beauty and simplicity made me numb at times. luckily she had the same feeling for me and it was evident from her behavior towards me. But none of us had the courage to speak out to each other and days passed.
I foolishly expected her to ask me out. It was a foolishness from my part i know but i was a shy guy when it comes to girls. one day i heard from one of the common friends that she likes me and that gave me the courage to ask her out but that day i saw her behavior a bit cold towards me and decided to not to ask her out. since then, i started avoiding her and i dont know how but i started hating her. it was not like a real hate, i still was attracted to her and wanted to be with her but i wanted her to suffer. years passed like this. sometimes we both would ignore each other and sometimes we would behave like lovers.
In the class we both would compete with each other to score better than the other. It was the most beautiful and romantic time of my life. and time flied like anything when finally we reached final year. The year which i was waiting for since i learned alphabets. The year when i was to get a Job. A very reputed company came to appoint us. We had a written test in the beginning followed by Interview. 5 people were shortlisted after the written test which included her and myself. utmost 2 were to be selected for the job. everything was going fine and i had full confidence in myself to crack the interview and grab that hefty salary job when suddenly i received a CD from our common friend.
the CD contained a video of her where she was asking me out. in the video she was dressed beautifully and was telling how she felt so much for me since 1st year and how difficult it was for her to wait for me to ask me out. she also said that since we are now going to move out of the college, she is scared of losing me and she wanted to spend rest of my life with me. it was the best time for her to express her feelings for me as she could no longer handle her anxiety. she asked me to come to the cafeteria where she was waiting for and kiss her.
I was so shocked to see this. not that I didn't like her but i was so used to that hot-cold behaviour that i had forgot that there is something called commitment in this world and on top of this i had the interview in few days and i didn't want to get distracted. it was so difficult for me to decide correct thing at that moment. I wanted to earn money and not love at that moment. for me money was everything. i dreamed of the sports car and big housed throughout my life and i didn't want to risk it so i went to cafeteria and said to her ' I never felt this for you. I am sorry'. i couldn't look into her eyes but i knew she was crying. we conversed for 15 minutes and then i i got frustrated and left her saying 'I cannot fall for you even if you are the last person on earth'. when i look back today at what i said, i feel shameful. such a harsh sentence, I had this madness of money inside me or maybe I wanted her to suffer? I did want her to suffer because she gave me lots of emotional pain as well in last few years.
then came the interview day, luckily i along with the other guy was chosen for the job and she was rejected again. though the very next week she got selected by a very reputed company with higher salary.
initially I didn't care much about her getting higher than me this time because I was so happy to get my dream job and could fulfill my dream eventually. but it was her this time who tried to make me jealous with her high paying job. Though she never showed but it was evident from her behavior around me that she wants to humiliate me. as weeks passed, i started feeling jealous of her. she started seeing other boys and my feelings for her grew stronger. I Hated how the guys would give her lots of attention after she fetched this job. I wanted her to again ask me out and this time i would have accepted her (though i should have been the one to approach this time). but my ego made me a devil. It was a devil inside me at that time and i out of hate and helplessness uploaded the Video she sent me on youtube. When i realised what i have done, it was too late. she now started hating me and i was so shameful that i couldn't even face her. i wanted to apolgise to her but my ego came in between. all my classmate became sympathetic and started hating. I so much deserved this hate but i knew that after few months i will be out of all these tensions and have a beautiful life.
Few years later. I have everything I dreamed of. everything. I have lots an lots of money. A month back i went to Alumni meet in my college. there I saw her. I cannot tell you how beautiful she was looking. my heart started beating faster, i couldn't believe even after so many years i have feelings for her. she came to me said 'hi' and introduced me with her husband. i was so heartbroken at that time that i wanted to kill myself. my entire evening was ruined and i was getting a punch in my heart everytime her husband would put his hand around her waist. I wanted to just take her along with me and make her my wife but i couldn't. when i went back to my home, i cried and cried whole night. I recalled what all i did to her and felt ashamed of myself. and I regret so much. I dont want this wealth, i want her. I never realized that it was her who made my college days beautiful. I always loved her but i was immature and confused to not get my feelings right. from that day I am having so much anxiety and pain. i want to go to her house and tell her how i feel. maybe she still feels same for me. i can give away anything to get her back in my life.
you all are free to abuse me. I know I am a very bad person.
recently I have posted a thread http://www.defence.pk/forums/members-club/196636-i-am-having-tough-times.html in continuation of this thread i am going to reveal the reason behind 'tough times'.
I have always been attracted by rich people throughout my life. I had this double standard of running behind prosperous people and treating 'someone with low status' like sh!t during my days as college student. that may has to do with my humble family background. my friend circle comprised of rich spoilt brats and though i couldn't afford hanging out with them, i would just forcefully push my self with them. in the mean time to meet my expenses i started doing part time join as a cashier in a shop within the campus. I had pretty much good life. I had everything that a teenager would wish for except for the Girlfriend because I was a studious kid of the class. I had this passion to excel in my subject and get a high paying job and fulfill all my dreams.
I was the nerd of the class who liked hanging out with friends and I was mature enough to balance my social and academic life. but it was not long when i started feeling something for my classmate. she was there with me for last 8 months and we would just smile at each other or sometimes have a little chat. well, she was the brightest student of the class and could give any nerd run for their money. before i could realize, i started liking her. her intelligence, beauty and simplicity made me numb at times. luckily she had the same feeling for me and it was evident from her behavior towards me. But none of us had the courage to speak out to each other and days passed.
I foolishly expected her to ask me out. It was a foolishness from my part i know but i was a shy guy when it comes to girls. one day i heard from one of the common friends that she likes me and that gave me the courage to ask her out but that day i saw her behavior a bit cold towards me and decided to not to ask her out. since then, i started avoiding her and i dont know how but i started hating her. it was not like a real hate, i still was attracted to her and wanted to be with her but i wanted her to suffer. years passed like this. sometimes we both would ignore each other and sometimes we would behave like lovers.
In the class we both would compete with each other to score better than the other. It was the most beautiful and romantic time of my life. and time flied like anything when finally we reached final year. The year which i was waiting for since i learned alphabets. The year when i was to get a Job. A very reputed company came to appoint us. We had a written test in the beginning followed by Interview. 5 people were shortlisted after the written test which included her and myself. utmost 2 were to be selected for the job. everything was going fine and i had full confidence in myself to crack the interview and grab that hefty salary job when suddenly i received a CD from our common friend.
the CD contained a video of her where she was asking me out. in the video she was dressed beautifully and was telling how she felt so much for me since 1st year and how difficult it was for her to wait for me to ask me out. she also said that since we are now going to move out of the college, she is scared of losing me and she wanted to spend rest of my life with me. it was the best time for her to express her feelings for me as she could no longer handle her anxiety. she asked me to come to the cafeteria where she was waiting for and kiss her.
I was so shocked to see this. not that I didn't like her but i was so used to that hot-cold behaviour that i had forgot that there is something called commitment in this world and on top of this i had the interview in few days and i didn't want to get distracted. it was so difficult for me to decide correct thing at that moment. I wanted to earn money and not love at that moment. for me money was everything. i dreamed of the sports car and big housed throughout my life and i didn't want to risk it so i went to cafeteria and said to her ' I never felt this for you. I am sorry'. i couldn't look into her eyes but i knew she was crying. we conversed for 15 minutes and then i i got frustrated and left her saying 'I cannot fall for you even if you are the last person on earth'. when i look back today at what i said, i feel shameful. such a harsh sentence, I had this madness of money inside me or maybe I wanted her to suffer? I did want her to suffer because she gave me lots of emotional pain as well in last few years.
then came the interview day, luckily i along with the other guy was chosen for the job and she was rejected again. though the very next week she got selected by a very reputed company with higher salary.
initially I didn't care much about her getting higher than me this time because I was so happy to get my dream job and could fulfill my dream eventually. but it was her this time who tried to make me jealous with her high paying job. Though she never showed but it was evident from her behavior around me that she wants to humiliate me. as weeks passed, i started feeling jealous of her. she started seeing other boys and my feelings for her grew stronger. I Hated how the guys would give her lots of attention after she fetched this job. I wanted her to again ask me out and this time i would have accepted her (though i should have been the one to approach this time). but my ego made me a devil. It was a devil inside me at that time and i out of hate and helplessness uploaded the Video she sent me on youtube. When i realised what i have done, it was too late. she now started hating me and i was so shameful that i couldn't even face her. i wanted to apolgise to her but my ego came in between. all my classmate became sympathetic and started hating. I so much deserved this hate but i knew that after few months i will be out of all these tensions and have a beautiful life.
Few years later. I have everything I dreamed of. everything. I have lots an lots of money. A month back i went to Alumni meet in my college. there I saw her. I cannot tell you how beautiful she was looking. my heart started beating faster, i couldn't believe even after so many years i have feelings for her. she came to me said 'hi' and introduced me with her husband. i was so heartbroken at that time that i wanted to kill myself. my entire evening was ruined and i was getting a punch in my heart everytime her husband would put his hand around her waist. I wanted to just take her along with me and make her my wife but i couldn't. when i went back to my home, i cried and cried whole night. I recalled what all i did to her and felt ashamed of myself. and I regret so much. I dont want this wealth, i want her. I never realized that it was her who made my college days beautiful. I always loved her but i was immature and confused to not get my feelings right. from that day I am having so much anxiety and pain. i want to go to her house and tell her how i feel. maybe she still feels same for me. i can give away anything to get her back in my life.
you all are free to abuse me. I know I am a very bad person.
We can understand buddy......
