Assalamoalaikum Warahmatullah Wabarakatahu
My father was a gambler and used to force my mother to give him money paid into her bank account from the government [social security]. When there was no government money he used to force my mother to ask for money from friends or relatives. We had a hard time paying for household necessities including rent, groceries, bill etc.
When my my older brother got his first job after finishing his degree [he was 24 at the time] my dad forced him [don't ask me how but in Pakistani society parents still control their children after reaching adulthood, kids like us have no confidence in themselves] into marrying a clever and greedy girl who was my childhood friend.
My brother objected to this marriage as he knew that she was greedy, selfish and really rude but my father was hoping that she would control my brother due to her cunningness and by controlling my brother my father would have a hold onto all the money earned by my brother [my dad knew that my brother will never give him a cent because of my father's gambling habits] as he and that girl were pretty close.
At that time me and her were pretty close-we were best friends - and I literally helped my father to get my brother married to her against his will. I knew everything about her but I still wanted my best friend to become related to me.. I now regret this mistake.
Of course my father was wrong in this assumption of his and ended up with no access to my brother's money as the girl he got my brother married to was very selfish and greedy herself. She and her father were very rude to my brother, as we are of a different ethnicity to them - they are Pathan [Pashtus originally from Afghanistan] and we are ethnically Kashmiri from the Pakistani side but originally from the Indian side [the problems arising due to differences in lifestyle and ethnicity were also one of the reasons behind my brother's objections-not that he was racist or didn't believe in intermarriage but he feared the repercussions of an interracial marriage due to fears of her extended family's racist views.]
The girl had liked my brother due to his 'soft' attitude and his good-looking appearance and her parents initially welcomed the match since they were so desperate to get rid of their greedy, cunning and selfish daughter. Of course the father of the girl showed racist attitudes later on from time to time due to his extended family thinking badly of him for marrying their daughter into a non-Pashtun family -they call us 'Punjabis' though we are not and they find it funny that we have a fair-skinned complexion despite being Pakistani. [We Kashmiris are fair-skinned in general.. and this is a cause of great snidery from my brother's in-laws].
Anyways, the problems started on the wedding day itself. My brother is a simple and modest kind of person while she is extravagant. My brother wanted a simple Nikah ceremony followed by a simple Walima function. She wanted an 'epic' event. She also wanted a high amount of Mahr and took the right to divorce in the Nikah contract. It took a while to convince her to keep the wedding simple. She kept that event in her mind long after that incident.
Later on my brother decided to accept her as his wife because in Islam if someone is forced into marriage then he/she has the right to annul the marriage contract. However divorcing her would lead to great shame for her family and so my brother tried to live with her as her husband.
However she was extremely greedy, always demanding that my brother buy her expensive jewellery, accessories and a car though my brother could not afford most of these things. Whenever she didn't get what she wanted she'd leave the house and go and stay with her parents and tell her parents that my brother was being unkind to her.
My brother would apologise to her family even if it was not his fault just so that his wife would return and his family would not break apart. Being incredibly selfish she even aborted their child and always used contraception pills behind my brother's back as she said she did not want children right now and wanted to maintain her body as she is really slim and wants to stay slim [she is obsessive about her looks].
My brother didn't say a word despite all this and continued to bear her and tried to be nice to her and convince her to change her ways but she always reacted really rudely. They would constantly argue until one day she had an outburst, screaming REALLY loudly at him and accusing him of being selfish and having done 'nothing' for her-no 'great' wedding ceremony, no expensive jewellery [though he did give what he could afford], car etc..
My brother was extremely hurt by this lie and threatened to divorce her [he didn't mean to, he just lost his temper]. She went back to her parents house and told them that my brother was being abusive and threatened to divorce her. Her family was outraged and refused to let their daughter come back to my brother.
A few days later she convinced her family to file for her divorce and told my brother that she would only return if he gave her separate accommodation, a car and some more expensive jewellery. My brother refused, saying he couldn't afford 2 separate houses for us and his wife. So she went ahead with the divorce proceedings in court [not Islamic..but British courts] and now my brother does not know what to do.
There is a part of him that tells him to get rid of her and another part of him that says no -he has a strange reason. he says he doesn't want to remarry as he is no longer a bachelor and does not want to go around with the marital status of being 'divorced'.
He is unsure of what to do, we need advice on what he should do????
Also, my brother has also started having temper tantrums lately and he accuses all of us [except my mother] in having a hand in this marriage in the first place. He constantly blames us, puts up angry stares, shouts at us constantly and makes snide remarks about all of us. He's become a miserable wreck. What can be done to cool him down?
He also says that he will never marry again if he gets divorced. My mother is deeply hurt by this as she wants him to have a normal and happy life with children of his own.
P.s. My father always used to say that you can get as many wives and children u want in this life but u can't get more parents, so care more 4 ur parents and siblings and due to this value(which he learnt from my dadabu) our family suffered a lot from neglect and my dad's emotional and financial preference to his parents and siblings rather than us kids and our mum. After this childhood experience, my brother wanted to live by a different ideology, that didn't view women as disposable objects unlike my father who used to say a man can have 4 wives and many children But can have only one set of parents. So this is another reason my brother is averse to the idea of divorce.
~ Farah Dar
My father was a gambler and used to force my mother to give him money paid into her bank account from the government [social security]. When there was no government money he used to force my mother to ask for money from friends or relatives. We had a hard time paying for household necessities including rent, groceries, bill etc.
When my my older brother got his first job after finishing his degree [he was 24 at the time] my dad forced him [don't ask me how but in Pakistani society parents still control their children after reaching adulthood, kids like us have no confidence in themselves] into marrying a clever and greedy girl who was my childhood friend.
My brother objected to this marriage as he knew that she was greedy, selfish and really rude but my father was hoping that she would control my brother due to her cunningness and by controlling my brother my father would have a hold onto all the money earned by my brother [my dad knew that my brother will never give him a cent because of my father's gambling habits] as he and that girl were pretty close.
At that time me and her were pretty close-we were best friends - and I literally helped my father to get my brother married to her against his will. I knew everything about her but I still wanted my best friend to become related to me.. I now regret this mistake.
Of course my father was wrong in this assumption of his and ended up with no access to my brother's money as the girl he got my brother married to was very selfish and greedy herself. She and her father were very rude to my brother, as we are of a different ethnicity to them - they are Pathan [Pashtus originally from Afghanistan] and we are ethnically Kashmiri from the Pakistani side but originally from the Indian side [the problems arising due to differences in lifestyle and ethnicity were also one of the reasons behind my brother's objections-not that he was racist or didn't believe in intermarriage but he feared the repercussions of an interracial marriage due to fears of her extended family's racist views.]
The girl had liked my brother due to his 'soft' attitude and his good-looking appearance and her parents initially welcomed the match since they were so desperate to get rid of their greedy, cunning and selfish daughter. Of course the father of the girl showed racist attitudes later on from time to time due to his extended family thinking badly of him for marrying their daughter into a non-Pashtun family -they call us 'Punjabis' though we are not and they find it funny that we have a fair-skinned complexion despite being Pakistani. [We Kashmiris are fair-skinned in general.. and this is a cause of great snidery from my brother's in-laws].
Anyways, the problems started on the wedding day itself. My brother is a simple and modest kind of person while she is extravagant. My brother wanted a simple Nikah ceremony followed by a simple Walima function. She wanted an 'epic' event. She also wanted a high amount of Mahr and took the right to divorce in the Nikah contract. It took a while to convince her to keep the wedding simple. She kept that event in her mind long after that incident.
Later on my brother decided to accept her as his wife because in Islam if someone is forced into marriage then he/she has the right to annul the marriage contract. However divorcing her would lead to great shame for her family and so my brother tried to live with her as her husband.
However she was extremely greedy, always demanding that my brother buy her expensive jewellery, accessories and a car though my brother could not afford most of these things. Whenever she didn't get what she wanted she'd leave the house and go and stay with her parents and tell her parents that my brother was being unkind to her.
My brother would apologise to her family even if it was not his fault just so that his wife would return and his family would not break apart. Being incredibly selfish she even aborted their child and always used contraception pills behind my brother's back as she said she did not want children right now and wanted to maintain her body as she is really slim and wants to stay slim [she is obsessive about her looks].
My brother didn't say a word despite all this and continued to bear her and tried to be nice to her and convince her to change her ways but she always reacted really rudely. They would constantly argue until one day she had an outburst, screaming REALLY loudly at him and accusing him of being selfish and having done 'nothing' for her-no 'great' wedding ceremony, no expensive jewellery [though he did give what he could afford], car etc..
My brother was extremely hurt by this lie and threatened to divorce her [he didn't mean to, he just lost his temper]. She went back to her parents house and told them that my brother was being abusive and threatened to divorce her. Her family was outraged and refused to let their daughter come back to my brother.
A few days later she convinced her family to file for her divorce and told my brother that she would only return if he gave her separate accommodation, a car and some more expensive jewellery. My brother refused, saying he couldn't afford 2 separate houses for us and his wife. So she went ahead with the divorce proceedings in court [not Islamic..but British courts] and now my brother does not know what to do.
There is a part of him that tells him to get rid of her and another part of him that says no -he has a strange reason. he says he doesn't want to remarry as he is no longer a bachelor and does not want to go around with the marital status of being 'divorced'.
He is unsure of what to do, we need advice on what he should do????
Also, my brother has also started having temper tantrums lately and he accuses all of us [except my mother] in having a hand in this marriage in the first place. He constantly blames us, puts up angry stares, shouts at us constantly and makes snide remarks about all of us. He's become a miserable wreck. What can be done to cool him down?
He also says that he will never marry again if he gets divorced. My mother is deeply hurt by this as she wants him to have a normal and happy life with children of his own.
P.s. My father always used to say that you can get as many wives and children u want in this life but u can't get more parents, so care more 4 ur parents and siblings and due to this value(which he learnt from my dadabu) our family suffered a lot from neglect and my dad's emotional and financial preference to his parents and siblings rather than us kids and our mum. After this childhood experience, my brother wanted to live by a different ideology, that didn't view women as disposable objects unlike my father who used to say a man can have 4 wives and many children But can have only one set of parents. So this is another reason my brother is averse to the idea of divorce.
~ Farah Dar
