It's anonymous so I felt like posting...
When you feel like dying? What you do? I know how millions and in worse situation than me. Someone lost a son today (badaber airbase attack). So I feel that I'm in better shape as I have lost no one.
But what's making my depression worse is I've a history of awful events since I was 4 years old. It seems the world continues to swallow me up and I do not see any light. Since I was born, at least such events were once or every two three years. But it seems I'm getting hit by a train every week. I haven't lost anyone, but I've lost myself.
I've lost hope.
I am sorry to hear how you feel but rest assured things will get better- the mean duration of untreated depressive episodes is around 6 months (although some can endure).
Depression can often colour your views about self, the world around you and its likely that many of your thoughts in relation to your past, current circumstances are driven by dysfunctional assumptions and gross thinking errors. Having said that, its only too easy for me to sit here and sermonise about how its all about your thinking etc but its unlikely to help you in your current frame of mind.
So this is what you need to do-
1) Are you getting enough rest? How are you sleeping? Low mood and anxiety can disrupt your sleep pattern, causing you to feel tired and unrefreshed, resulting in a vicious cycle- so its important to try and maintain a routine and good sleep hygeine (look it up)- get something from the doctor to aid sleep if required
2) Take a break from work if possible- its likely to be stressing you out and you're probably failing at it anyway given how you are feeling currently
3) Have you got someone you can speak to, particularly when you are feeling so desperate as to want to end your life? Chances are you don`t since you have chosen to post something so personal on a public forum (bad move). If you don`t, find somebody. Family members can often be very harsh and unempathic in such situations and you can feel inhibited in having candid conversations with them-find someone anonymous, possibly along the lines of Samaritans or mental health help lines in the West
4) Start engaging in moderately intensive exercise for 40 minutes thrice a week- its proven to be effective in mild to moderate depression and is part of clinical guidance-your thoughts,feelings and behaviour exist in a triad (look up CBT triangle) and changing one invariably has an impact on the other
5) Try self help- follow the link below and sign up to Mood Gym. It can feel a bit boring initially but its effective and is essentially based on a manualised CBT approach
MoodGYM Training Program
Come back in 4 weeks and tell us all how you are getting on-if things don`t improve or you are feeling worse, medication may be warranted
