For Those In Need Of A Giggle

[S-2]

Found this elsewhere and while not military-related, it's certainly aviation related-

"Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs. After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground..
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
*
P: Aircraft handles funny.
(I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last...
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget"

 

[ice_man]

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

 

[RPK]

no reverse on expensive fighter
At the Naval Air Station a young ground-crew member was being trained on how to direct an F-14 into the fuel pit for hot refueling. The instructor gave him a go and after quite some wild arm weaving the F14 was parking, but when checking they discovered that he had taxied the aircraft too far forward from the fuel hose to reach the airplane.

"You'll have to send him around again," said the instructor.

"What?" he said, surprised. "They spend millions on these things and you can't even put them in reverse?"

 

[MaXimMaRz]

And some of these answers come up on flight lines, all you need is a young inexperienced engineering officer who wants to go on weekend

 

[RPK]

Say again....
Questions via the radio should not always be answered exactly.

Tower: Aircraft in holding pattern, say fuelstate?

Aircraft: Fuelstate

Tower: Say again?

Aircraft: Again....

After this the tower controller switches off his radio and climbs down the stairs to drink coffee the rest of the afternoon.

 

[Windjammer]

Guy sitting in his seat waiting for take off suddenly sees an old friend called Jack sitting at the far end and shouts, Hi Jack, all the passengers dive for cover.

 

[S-2]

This was forwarded to me by a friend in regards to the SR-71. You guys have probably seen this one before-

"One day, high above Arizona, we were monitoring the radio traffic of all the mortal airplanes below us. First, a Cessna pilot asked the air traffic controllers to check his ground speed.

'Ninety knots,' ATC replied.

A Bonanza soon made the same request.

'One-twenty on the ground,' was the reply.

To our surprise, a navy F-18 came over the radio with a ground speed check. I knew exactly what he was doing. Of course, he had a ground speed indicator in his cockpit, but he wanted to let all the bug-smashers in the valley know what real speed was

'Dusty 52, we show you at 620 on the ground,' ATC responded.

The situation was too ripe. I heard the click of Walt's mike button in the rear seat. In his most innocent voice, Walt startled the controller by asking for a ground speed check from 81,000 feet, clearly above controlled airspace.

In a cool, professional voice, the controller replied,

'Aspen 20, I show you at 1,982 knots on the ground.'

We did not hear another transmission on that frequency all the way to the coast.":D

Thanks.

 

[gambit]

This was forwarded to me by a friend in regards to the SR-71. You guys have probably seen this one before-

"One day, high above Arizona, we were monitoring the radio traffic of all the mortal airplanes below us. First, a Cessna pilot asked the air traffic controllers to check his ground speed.

'Ninety knots,' ATC replied.

A Bonanza soon made the same request.

'One-twenty on the ground,' was the reply.

To our surprise, a navy F-18 came over the radio with a ground speed check. I knew exactly what he was doing. Of course, he had a ground speed indicator in his cockpit, but he wanted to let all the bug-smashers in the valley know what real speed was

'Dusty 52, we show you at 620 on the ground,' ATC responded.

The situation was too ripe. I heard the click of Walt's mike button in the rear seat. In his most innocent voice, Walt startled the controller by asking for a ground speed check from 81,000 feet, clearly above controlled airspace.

In a cool, professional voice, the controller replied,

'Aspen 20, I show you at 1,982 knots on the ground.'

We did not hear another transmission on that frequency all the way to the coast.":D

Thanks.

I listened to many SR-71 mission tapes from Mildenhall's Det 9. The SR-71 can do more than Mach 3 and 80k ft.

 

[Windjammer]

This was forwarded to me by a friend in regards to the SR-71. You guys have probably seen this one before-

"One day, high above Arizona, we were monitoring the radio traffic of all the mortal airplanes below us. First, a Cessna pilot asked the air traffic controllers to check his ground speed.

'Ninety knots,' ATC replied.

A Bonanza soon made the same request.

'One-twenty on the ground,' was the reply.

To our surprise, a navy F-18 came over the radio with a ground speed check. I knew exactly what he was doing. Of course, he had a ground speed indicator in his cockpit, but he wanted to let all the bug-smashers in the valley know what real speed was

'Dusty 52, we show you at 620 on the ground,' ATC responded.

The situation was too ripe. I heard the click of Walt's mike button in the rear seat. In his most innocent voice, Walt startled the controller by asking for a ground speed check from 81,000 feet, clearly above controlled airspace.

In a cool, professional voice, the controller replied,

'Aspen 20, I show you at 1,982 knots on the ground.'

We did not hear another transmission on that frequency all the way to the coast.":D

Thanks.

Just as well no Space Shuttle was flying in vicinity.