10 ways to enter the United States if you're a Muslim

[ghazi52]

10 ways to enter the United States if you're a Muslim

US President Donald Trump. PHOTO: AFP

United States President Donald Trump has implemented a Muslim ban, which is not called a Muslim ban but simply seeks to restrict entry of people from seven Muslim-majority countries with the caveat being that religious minorities from those countries are exempted. You see how the ban does not at all target one religion.

Pakistan is not on that list yet but it’s important to be prudent so here are 10 ways to beat the Muslim ban and enter the US – trust me it’s worth going to Guantanamo for a Shake Shack burger.

1) Only take one wife to America

You may have four wives but just like your children, you know in your heart which one is your favourite. Just take her to America – if you are to take more than one, just tell the immigration officer that you’re “friends with benefits”.

While you’re at it, it might be useful to brush up your Friends knowledge. Everybody loves a good Chandler joke to cut the tension at the airport.

2) Never use a Muslim shower

The trick is in the name itself. For all of its technological advances, the United States does not still have the greatest invention known to mankind – the Muslim shower. Don’t ask for it. Don’t mention it.

Get used to using atheist showers.

3) Pretend to be an Indian

Every racist Pakistani has done an Indian accent and pretended that white people only use it to ridicule Indian people and not all brown people in general. This is where your racism comes handy. If you walk into America pretending to be Apu from the Simpsons, your chances of being let in will skyrocket.

4) Keep repeating ‘My Name is Khan and I am not a terrorist’

It worked for Shah Rukh Khan, it may work for you as well!

5) Learn your hipster lingo

There is another bearded group of people taking over the United States and terrorising citizens – the hipsters. There is no need to shave off your beard if you are Muslim. Simply grab an old school radio and wear 70s fashion.

As long as you throw in words like ‘organic’, ‘grass fed’ and ‘local’ in every sentence, you can convince the immigration officer that your beard is a hipster beard.

Make sure you wear large plastic framed glasses.

6) Don’t pray at the airport

In a show of strength, Muslims at airports around America stopped traffic and decided to pray in the middle of the airports. That just made it easier for the immigration officers to round up Muslims and deport them.

Even if you see other people praying – do not join in. Stand to the side and start singing Bollywood songs instead. If you’re lucky, they might confuse you for an Indian.

7) Lie

The foolproof Muslim ban plan has just one flaw – it becomes ineffective if you lie. The plan effectively targets terrorists who have no moral issues with killing groups of people but the assumption is they cannot tell a lie.

The US visa process already has a highly efficient way of preventing terrorists from applying for visas by asking on the form if the applicant is a terrorist – as we all know terrorists cannot lie so that question is bound to stop all terrorists from getting a visa.

8) Hate on Mexicans

It’s every group for themselves. As Muslims, you might think that you are the only minority group targeted in America but that’s not true. America is an equal opportunity offender to all minority groups.

Trump may hate Muslims but he also hates Mexicans. This is no time to enjoy Chipotle or drool over Taco Bell. Rehearse your “build a wall” chants before landing in the US.

9) Sell your friends and family out

While you’re at it, why only hate on other groups? Hate on your own group as well!

By pointing out who all the other Muslims are, you may be allowed in as an informant for the United States government. The Trump administration may still throw you out but it is worth a shot. Worst case scenario, you still get to get back at people from your own country that you do not like – simply just report your phuppo living illegally in the US for a decade as soon as you land.

10) Go to Canada

Why even go to the United States? Take back control of your own life. America is a country that is made on the backs of immigrants. If the USA wants to close their borders to all the progress that it has made in recent years then they are welcome to their own destruction.

Go to Canada. Justin Trudeau is beautiful!

 

[XenoEnsi-14]

This article is a work of satire.

For your own safety.

 

[Slav Defence]

Shut up.What rubbish is this? I am a muslim and am not at all desperate to enter into USA.If you are not at all welcomed, then do not enter in the first place, if you are welcomed then enter with full grace.You don't need to pray at airports as per rule of thumb, salah of such kind will not be accepted if intended a show off or becomes pain in the neck of others.You cannot pray loudly, very quietly, very quickly or being too slow such that everyone becomes exhausted.Pray in mosques near by and always keep water bottles with you to be used in case of absence of Muslim showers.Do your things quietly, talk gently and smile where it is needed.You don't need to pretend to be Indians as poor Indian have faced racism many times.

Totally pathetic.cut the crap.

 

[Mugwop]

Whoever thinks indians are immune to racism in America are full of sh*t. The dot busters have been targeting them since the early 90's. Pakistanis will talk about their problem but indians will pretend all is well.

 

[TruthHurtz]

Not even Muslim but I don't even need to ask permission to enter the US. I just walk past the border nonchalantly and those beta male border guards always cuck themselves to me and start catering to my every need.

You can uncuck the country but you can't uncuck the people.

 

[MultaniGuy]

Shut up.What rubbish is this? I am a muslim and am not at all desperate to enter into USA.If you are not at all welcomed, then do not enter in the first place, if you are welcomed then enter with full grace.You don't need to pray at airports as per rule of thumb, salah of such kind will not be accepted if intended a show off or becomes pain in the neck of others.You cannot pray loudly, very quietly, very quickly or being too slow such that everyone becomes exhausted.Pray in mosques near by and always keep water bottles with you to be used in case of absence of Muslim showers.Do your things quietly, talk gently and smile where it is needed.You don't need to pretend to be Indians as poor Indian have faced racism many times.

Totally pathetic.cut the crap.

I would never pretend to be an Indian.

What a disgusting thought, pretend to be an Indian.
How stupid can a person get.

I am proud to be a Pakistani. People have to accept me for who I am.

You have to man up! Be proud of who you are, no matter what, because you are who you are!

 

[VCheng]

Shut up.What rubbish is this? I am a muslim and am not at all desperate to enter into USA.If you are not at all welcomed, then do not enter in the first place, if you are welcomed then enter with full grace.You don't need to pray at airports as per rule of thumb, salah of such kind will not be accepted if intended a show off or becomes pain in the neck of others.You cannot pray loudly, very quietly, very quickly or being too slow such that everyone becomes exhausted.Pray in mosques near by and always keep water bottles with you to be used in case of absence of Muslim showers.Do your things quietly, talk gently and smile where it is needed.You don't need to pretend to be Indians as poor Indian have faced racism many times.

Totally pathetic.cut the crap.

You will find this interesting:

http://www.economist.com/blogs/gulliver/2017/02/i-m-banned

I’m with the banned
International visitors are already turning their back on Trump-era America
Feb 15th 2017, 15:06 BY A.W. | WASHINGTON, DC



WHEN President Donald Trump announced his travel ban last month, affecting people from seven majority-Muslim countries, this blog wondered what effect it would have on tourism and business travel to America. “The direct impact to tourism of a travel ban from these countries will be small,” a fellow Gulliver noted, since “each sends a piddling number of visitors to America.” But there was a bigger concern: “Will the decree—easily interpreted as a deep hostility to the world beyond America’s shores—put off global travellers?”

Two weeks later, it has become clear that the answer is yes.

Last week, the travel ban was blocked temporarily by a federal judge and the suspension upheld by a panel of appeals court judges. But that hasn’t stopped Mr Trump’s executive order from having an effect on travel to the United States.

Hopper, a market research firm, looked at online searches for flights into America, comparing the final weeks of the Obama administration with the first weeks of Mr Trump’s presidency. It found that these searches had declined by 17%. The overwhelming majority of countries studied showed a drop in interest. The most notable exception was Russia, which has been accused of meddling in November’s presidential election in Mr Trump’s favour and colluding with members of his team. Searches for flights to America from Russia increased by 88%.

The overall 17% decline, Hopper found, was much larger than the 1.8% drop that occurred between the same two periods a year ago, leading the company’s top data scientist to tell the Los Angeles Times that it is “hard to see any other short-term significant events that could be related,” other than Mr Trump’s assumption of the presidency and his travel ban.

Another study, this time looking specifically at business travel, backs up these findings. The Global Business Travel Association (GBTA), which represents corporate travel managers, found that business travel transactions in America declined by 3.4% over the course of one week following the president’s order. It reckons that a net $185m in business travel bookings was lost. If a 3.4% decline sounds small, consider the group’s assertion that a 1% drop in business travel over the course of a year correlates with a loss of 71,000 American jobs and close to $5bn in gross domestic product (although the extent to which waning business travel helps to cause economic woes, rather than just reflecting them, can be difficult to unpick).

Although the ban is currently on hold, Mr Trump is contemplating an appeal to the Supreme Court. That uncertainty is having its own effects. The GBTA writes:

The initial impact has already been felt and the uncertainty it will create as we await an appeal to the Supreme Court will continue to make its mark. Advanced bookings will likely slow as travel professionals cannot be sure if and when the ban will be reinstated. Meetings and events may be cancelled altogether.

It is hard to separate the ban completely from other factors currently affecting travel to America. The dollar has strengthened against currencies such as the euro and the yuan since the election, making it more expensive to visit the United States. And, as Mr Trump is broadly unpopular in much of the world, some people were probably already thinking twice about coming to America before the executive order was announced.

Even so, the ban itself seems to be having an effect, and experts think it will continue to do so. Adam Sacks, president of Tourism Economics, a consultancy, told Forbes that the furore will probably “severely damage the US travel sector this year”. He cites the $246bn that international visitors spent in America last year, a figure that vastly exceeds the value of other major American exports such as cars ($152bn), agricultural products ($137bn) and petroleum products ($97bn). Those high stakes explain why travel firms, normally reluctant to annoy customers by taking a political stance, have gone out of their way to condemn Mr Trump.

 

[Hamartia Antidote]

Whoever thinks indians are immune to racism in America are full of sh*t. The dot busters have been targeting them since the early 90's. Pakistanis will talk about their problem but indians will pretend all is well.

Well I don't think any group is immune to racism. This whole planet is one big equal opportunity offender! Just some are more equally offending than others.

 

[WAJsal]

1) Only take one wife to America

 

[livingdead]

Shut up.What rubbish is this? I am a muslim and am not at all desperate to enter into USA.If you are not at all welcomed, then do not enter in the first place, if you are welcomed then enter with full grace.You don't need to pray at airports as per rule of thumb, salah of such kind will not be accepted if intended a show off or becomes pain in the neck of others.You cannot pray loudly, very quietly, very quickly or being too slow such that everyone becomes exhausted.Pray in mosques near by and always keep water bottles with you to be used in case of absence of Muslim showers.Do your things quietly, talk gently and smile where it is needed.You don't need to pretend to be Indians as poor Indian have faced racism many times.

Totally pathetic.cut the crap.

this is why we urgently need sarcasm font...

 

[Hyde]

Even if the author only meant sarcasm

I find this article to be racist, hateful and idiotic