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Short story with deep lessons

Neutron

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LOOKING FORWARD

Sarmad always started his day by mentally going through the planned activities, sifting out anything he had to look forward to ,, it could be a menial thing like a move to be watched latter on which he was waiting for a long time to come on the torrent sites or his favorite dish was to be cooked ,, if nothing else he would lift up his own spirits by thinking about the weekend, he had fallen in this habit quite young in his life as nothing out of the ordinary seem to happen to him,, he had recently graduated and was in search of a job as further studies were neither in his caliber not affordable ,,, his father had recently retired and it was his turn to earn the family lively hood,,, being the only child death of his mother a year back had hit him and his father hard,,,, there was no organization in the house , his father wanted him married but a job was a must.
So today as sarmad woke up he racked his brains but there was nothing to look forward to so in rather depressed mood he went about taking a shower and breakfast. his father was watching the television
“sarmad I tried to make a paratha for you but you better eat some bread” his father hameed said
“abu you should not have bothered at this age you won’t learn something new rather you will forget whatever you knew before “ sarmad said with a mischievous smile
“How I wish your mother was alive to listen to your insolence”
Come on abu so early in the day for this” sarmaad said with a grin while starting on the half burned paratha
I told you not to eat it , I wont listen to any complains about pain in your stomach later on “
Well that’s another story isn’t it” sarmad went on teasing him
What time is your job interview?”
It’s at 10 o clock.”
You better hurry than” his father said while changing the channel, you need any money for the bus fare
Yeah dad I only have a 10 rs note” sarmad said somewhat dejectedly
His father took out his wallet and handed him 200 rs, he could see only one note of a 1000 rs left… it was 22nd of the month and he knew the last days would again run on credit. His father was a contract employee and got no benefits like gratuity or a provident fund.
His salary was adequate while he was employed but now there was only a meager pension they were living on.
Okay abu pray I get a job or else I would start that salesman job at the mall” sarmad said with a heavy voice
Beta don’t worry something good will come your way ,, don’t make the mistake like me of being a daily wage earner “ get a government job with benefits ,, till that time don’t worry about money , go Allah be with you.
His father optimism made him more depressed but without showing it he smiled and left the house he walked for 20 minutes to get to the bus station , the bus was filled with passengers he took a seat than left it for an elderly man,, all the way thinking of anything pleasant that he might have at the end of the day, he gave 20 rs to the conductor, than he saw a young girl sitting on his left with an old woman,,, she was very beautiful,, her feeble attempt at makeup was showing the lack of quality in its items. She was looking here and there as if in some sort of a prison she want to get out of….. sarmad could feel the energy in her, a resolve .. a headstrong attitude,, he saw her matching the stares of men around her and thought he was no better to keep looking at her so he stopped thinking about her.
The bus stopped and she suddenly got up and started to move towards the exit , sarmad saw her in slow motion thinking that his path has crossed with her or should he even call it that,, more like he has seen a glimpse of her path,, at molecular levels they have been in the same space, he has seen her acknowledged her presence but she is oblivious of him ,and he would not see her again. For a moment he thought to do something to change it but didn’t act on it… how would he could explain that to her ,, the innocence in his action,,, she would certainly take it in teasing or worse as harassment. so he barely shook his head while she passed him.
Sarmad again went back to his mind palace trying to imagine the interviewer and his questions ,, some smart reply he would give to him or a quote… he was always an average student . his only strong point was he was a voracious reader , he thought how to try to steer the interview towards literature but a job in the sanitation department hardly required any aesthetic sense, going over such scenarios he reached his stop and disembarked from the bus.
He went into the building and was taken to a lobby and was told to wait. He saw 20 to 30 other young men waiting some were sitting and other were talking or pacing the room
Sarmad quietly drifted to the window where another young man with quite worn out clothes was standing
Hey how are you doing” sarmad greeted him
Iam fine quite nervous actually.” Replied the young man
Iam sarmad what do you reckon our chances are”
I would say none to impossible” it’s just a formality someone has already got the job ,,,
How can you be so certain” asked sarmed
Call it experience of past few years every government job goes to some relative or some acquaintance no merit, this seems your first time you will get used to it..
‘Than why are you here”
I have got nothing better to do” replied the young man dejectedly
Sarmad started thinking again in terms of crossing of paths,,, the girl from the bus again crept in his mind,,, and a smile came on his lips about the absurdity of his thoughts
What are you finding funny” the young man asked
Nothing ,,,it’s nothing,,,, I couldn’t explain it if I wanted to” sarmad replied
The candidates were interviewed one by one sarmad was the 4th last when he saw the time was 1300 he went inside and saw three men behind a large desk
“Have a seat” said the man in the centre with a booming voice. Rest of the two men looked bored as if they were sitting only on account of the man in the centre.
Thank you sir “ sarmad said while pulling the chair to sit
So what’s your name young man”
My name is sarmad hameed sir”
And why do you want this job”
Because I am unemployed sir” sarmad replied bit puzzled with the question

Was that a philosophical quip or you just stated a fact” the man in the centre asked with a quizzing voice
Sir it was a fact” replied sarmad
“I was hoping you would say otherwise and we could have an interesting conversation” the man said with disappointment in his voice
But that wouldn’t have been the truth sir” quipped sarmad
So you have very average marks” the man after a pause looking at sarmad resume asked,, why are you better than anyone else for the job”
Iam not better sir I can only assure you that I will work hard but that you can also expect from others too” sarmad replied
So you have already surrendered in favor of others”
No sir just going by the probability “
What do you mean by that”
As I know my grades to be average there is a high probability that people with much good grades and experience are here” replied sarmad
Interesting ,, so you alwas think about things in terms of probability,,,,what about chance” said the man
Sir I have lead a very ordinary life and am yet to see something going against the natural course of order” replied sarmad so I don’t think iam an exception to the rule…iam the rule”
And what is that rule” asked the man
That whatever is normal will happen to me”replied sarmad
Seems like a derivative of Murphy’s law: quipped the man on the right
So going by your argument you getting this job will be something extraordinary” the man on the left added
Yes sir” replied sarmad
Good so I am going to change the natural course of events for you young man the job is yours…the man in the centre said with a note of amusement in his voice”
Thank you sir that is extra ordinary” sarmad said while beaming ear to ear
In the flash of a second sarmad thought about the absurdity of the scene ,,,,of out of the billion things he could say he said those things which struck the right cord with the interviewer making him want to give him the job.,,, what else could explain it,what ulterior motive could he have ,,,he again thought about paths being crossed ,,, the girl on the bus,,,the worn out candidate.


Sarmad shook hands with all of them and went out.
The job was of a junior assistance with 20000 starting salary ,he had no idea what his job entailed but he was happy nonetheless , immediately he started thinking about his first pay check than telling his father about getting the job ,, satisfaction of his paying his debts, there was a whole plethora of things to look forward to now.
He got on the bus and as it was passing by a sweet shop he tried to get off it while it was still moving owing to it not being a bus stop . his foot got caught on the loose pipe and he tripped falling head first on the side walk with a sickening crunch his skull fractured on impact ,,,the onlookers had no doubt he hadn’t survived.
 
What you got out of this story? It is an indigenous effort of my mate


Not bad.

Now take the same story and flesh out the bulk of it with more incidents, characters more etched out, try to portray some other emotion in him. You know, put flesh on the bones. Remove flesh when it doesn't look good...etc etc..not bad. Good work thinking soldier.
 
Not bad.

Now take the same story and flesh out the bulk of it with more incidents, characters more etched out, try to portray some other emotion in him. You know, put flesh on the bones. Remove flesh when it doesn't look good...etc etc..not bad. Good work thinking soldier.
If I do all that it will no longer will remain a short story
 
If I do all that it will no longer will remain a short story


True. Then strip it a bit more. Don't keep a general direction line by line, or para by para keep the heart of the reader in the story. Not the mind, but the heart. by not in your face type emotions, but "experience of the protagonist" as a clue .

Share more. :cheers:
 
True. Then strip it a bit more. Don't keep a general direction line by line, or para by para keep the heart of the reader in the story. Not the mind, but the heart. by not in your face type emotions, but "experience of the protagonist" as a clue .

Share more. :cheers:
Very valuable insights thanks a lot,,,, a new writer with misgivings about his work can always use such critique ,,,
 
A story is about emotions, the feels. It should be like a river unrestrained in its flow. Don't constrain it in the confinement of word-count. Let your creativity blossom.
Just testing the waters for now as regards if its worth a read , otherwise you are right
 
does that lady in the bus symbolise lady luck?
It represents what was and what could be, otherwise its supposed purpose is open for interpretation, complete story is whatever you get out of it. My mate says it has a happy ending. What do you think?
 

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